Primary, Citizenship, Service, and More...

Once in a while, I read a great thought/post written by someone else and I think "woohoo, they have done the work for me!!" When I can borrow from someone else (with their permission of course) it makes my day just a tad easier. I came across this little gem of a thought about a week ago and just now got around to sharing. It talks a bit about church but shouldn't make anyone's head explode. As always, some of you will scoff and be upset but that's cool, that means I have done my duty for the day :)

Here goes...

The Primary Program and Citizenship, an odd connection. 

For my many friends who attend other faith communities, or none at all, I am going to talk about an LDS thing here. But, it has little to do with questionable and disputable doctrine or practice. Rather, we are talking about little kids and turning them into real adults. Also, the LDS local congregation, the ward, is entirely lay run and led (we sorta do it ourselves). This is not unique, but not common either. I am going somewhere with this…so, be patient.

This lay approach has two impacts. First, with no professional clergy, this leads to an almost rigid adherence to the form of the meeting. This consistency, while sometimes meaning we could miss out on some good and spiritual things, is necessary, since an entirely new group of leaders may be in charge next week. The regularity of form allows for stability and continuity. Second, your neighbor is going to be up there making all those decisions and delivering those sometimes boring or incoherent talks-something you will eventually be doing yourself. The impact is to make us forgiving and supportive of good intentions imperfectly executed…a good Christian behavior.

Sunday is the only time I am not running in circles…on Sundays, I merely walk those circles. Today was the traditional LDS Primary program. This is where all the little kids from Sunday School sing and read their way through 35 minutes of a program. Today, there must have been 80 kids up there, ages 4-11, with their adult teachers sitting amongst them. As I was sitting through this fall tradition for at least my 15th time, I sinned and let my mind wander. You see, I teach history in a public school, so patriotism and citizenship responsibilities are something we talk about, and I teach music, where the principle of daily practice to create default settings of good habits is paramount. Well, these three things began to come together in my head.

One of my growing frustrations is the growing passivity of kids. They are not bad or evil, but there seems to be a growing assumption on their part that someone else will be “taking care of things”. The janitors will pick up the garbage we drop, the teachers will figure out a way to work it out when we don’t do our work, and our parents will take care of all our physical needs, then the government will take over. Somehow, someone will get me to college, pay for it and get me through, and then someone else will give me my deserved job. We see this passivity in most Western countries now days. I am not debating the causes of this passivity, just noting its presence from firsthand experience. I did get to wondering where we teach the old idea of citizenship…teach it, and then demand it as a price for protection and inclusion.

For me citizenship is really best expressed at the local level. I have proactive responsibility to think of the welfare of my neighbors. How did John Winthrop put it…oh yeah, we are to be “knit together”…what a great metaphor. We are both the Queens and the Pawns, depending on what needs to be done.

So, back to little kids singing at various levels of quality and reading prepared scripts they seldom understood. We have one of those great ladies that make the LDS run, Sister Mathews, and she has done more primary programs than anyone else….I don’t know how many purple hearts she has…but I know her real heart is gigantic.

Well, after she had rehearsed everybody on Saturday, had every chair placed in its proper location so that the program would run flawlessly, had the cordless mic ready to be passed around as every one of those children got the opportunity to read, things were as ready as well-meaning human beings can make it.

Then, 10 minutes in, the mic just up and quit. I taught Show Choir for so many years, I would have pretty much expected a fatal technical flaw as a matter of course.  Then something amazing happened. With hardly a blink, and certainly no stress or government program, Sis Mathews quietly moved among them and changed the entire process…on the fly, with quazillion squirrely kids. She created a Plan B on the spot, and the program proceeded with hardly a bump. This required having every one of those kids move, in an orderly fashion, to the podium mic. Without a blink and no kiddie breakdowns, each adult teacher moved the kids to the podium and helped the little ones with the steps and their lines.

On the surface, you may say, Big Deal. But it was. Here we are, 80 kids, in front of an entire community, without a glitch… they simply cooperated and did something else that worked. Each child, without fuss, took care of their responsibility, led by adults, all of which were in their own primary programs decades ago, who quietly took care of business. The community, congregation, waited with patient smiles, the leaders, two small businessmen and a retired elementary school principle, waited and watched with confidence, knowing a few adults and 80 kids would successfully do what needed to be done.

Where is citizenship practiced and taught today-certainly not in public schools, where it is hard to enforce anything that could be construed as a value. Certainly not in the contentious political process we have to witness now days as leaders exaggerate their n own virtues and the failings of their opponent’s to the point of lying…and vice versa.

I would suggest that churches are teaching more about the behaviors of good citizens.. a proactive responsibility to think of the welfare of my neighbors. I know this is true in any of the church families I have been part of. The LDS folks have actually institutionalized citizenship training. Beginning at nursery age, then progressing as you get older, you are asked, taught, encouraged, then expected, to serve your neighbors. You are asked, without pay, and most time, without choice, to help your neighbors in any number of ever changing capacities. Someday, you get to have the responsibilities of leadership, then later, the responsibilities of being a worker bee. Here you learn to support your leaders out of empathy, rather than compulsion. You respect your neighbors because you have invested in them, and they in you. There are some you may not like to hang with, some you may not ever wanted have to a party, and some that may cause your teeth to grind. But when they face illness, you are there at their door with meal and words of comfort….just as they will be at your door when that inevitable day comes when you need help. This is citizenship. We need to all be like Sis Matthews…..Primary is just another place to serve….our neighbors, and, by His own Word, God.

G. Johnston

The Great Debate

Some of you know that I don’t care much for politics.  All of that mud-slinging, flip-flopping, blame-gaming hullabaloo just doesn’t do it for me.  BUT…I do feel that it is extremely important for voting Americans to know the politicians and what they plan to do if elected to office.  Now I know that often a politician will say one thing and then do the complete opposite but still, it’s important to at least hear them out.  I don’t mean just find out about the candidate that wears a particular party label either.  In order to make an educated decision about something as important as who is going to preside over our country, you must find out about ALL the candidates involved.

I haven’t been following the presidential campaigning much as it makes me want to hurl…I think I would rather clean dog poo out of my back yard than listen to campaign speeches and the talking heads on TV who think they know everything.  But I decided that I should pay attention to the first debate last night and really see how the candidates handled the on-the-spot questioning.  I’m glad I did…I'm also glad that I got distracted playing bejeweled blitz after the debate so that I didn't have to listen to the so-called "expert" analyses of who won and why and whatever...I'll draw my own conclusion thx! 

Not knowing much about how either candidate plans to proceed if elected, I feel that I am a bit more in-the-know now which is great, but that's not exactly what I want to talk about here.  I will mention a few things specifically but you’ll just have to wait a minute.  One of the first impressions I got, probably within the first 10 minutes of the debate, is that the President seemed very detached and disconnected and that Mitt Romney seemed very sincere and relatable.  Now, before all my liberal friends decide to quit reading and take me off their friend lists, I will say why I got that impression.

Body language is important in a meeting like this because it’s honest, sub-conscious communication.  When speaking, President Obama mostly just looked at the camera (probably looking for his teleprompter, sorry liberals, couldn’t resist that one!!) and only occasionally looking at the audience but Romney looked at him (and took notes) when he was speaking.  Gov. Romney spoke TO the audience rather than AT them but what was the President doing when Romney was speaking?  Oh, that’s right, looking down.  That tells me that he was not paying attention…however, if you ask Al Gore, it was just the elevation of Denver, CO that was getting to the President because he flew in from Las Vegas just hours earlier…Puh-leeeez…really??  Yes it’s the mile-high city but give me a break, it’s not like he was out there playing football or something! 

Anyway, moving on to my thoughts as the debate continued…I noticed that the President clung to the number “5-trillion” plus 2-trillion more that the military would get but didn’t ask for…had he backed up that number with some credible facts/sources I may have believed it but he didn’t.  Romney didn’t put a number on his tax plan (maybe it will be more than 5 trillion…), rather he outlined the steps he would include in his plan: no increases to middle income people, bring down deductions/credits/loop holes, and stop giving breaks to higher income people.  That’s great…of course no plan is perfect but at least he laid out the basic idea.  The president talked about the $3600 in tax savings that he has created for us middle earners over the last four years…whoopy-do.  $3600 in savings would be fantastic if the price of gas were still around $2.00 per gallon and the cost of groceries hadn’t gone up (largely due to the price of gas NOT still being $2/gallon) and if our dollar were stronger.  I have no problem paying my taxes, what I have a problem with is how the government spends them…

I do love that President embraced the term “Obamacare” though!  Nice to see that he does have a sense of humor :)  About that though, I have mixed feelings on the Affordable Care Act.  There are many aspects of it that are great and have already benefited many many people (myself included) however, other parts of it make me scratch my head.  The biggest: student loans.  First of all, why were student loans even a part of a health care plan?  Second, why does the government think they can better handle my educational financing than my local bank?  I had a fantastic rate (2.75%) on my student loans until they were commandeered by the government…now my rate is 6.8%!  Exactly how is that beneficial???  

Medicare was brought up…the President mentioned that he cut some 716 billion dollars from the medicare program and he seemed proud of that, but what he may or may not realize is that cut has likely hurt more than it has helped.  I know that a lot of doctors don’t even take medicare patients now because they don’t get paid or they get paid so little that they can’t afford to practice!  Government control of healthcare is not the answer here.  I like the idea presented by Romney that the states should be in control of medical assistance programs as they are “closer to home” than the federal government and can take care of the people in their own states better than the fed.

Education was also brought up.  I have a lot of friends that are teachers and at one time planned on becoming one myself and I can tell you that many teachers feel that the system is broken.  It’s all about politics and test scores when it should be about the quality of “future-adults” they are shaping.  The federal government CANNOT fix our education system…STUDENTS & PARENTS can.  I could go on and on about how uninvolved parents are in the kids’ lives & education these days but I’ll save that for a later post.  Just know that I feel strongly about getting the government OUT of our education system.  There needs to be standards and oversight but until the parents and students start taking the responsibility for their education, no amount of government anything will fix the system.

Moving on…I know that liberals in every corner of every state are freaking out right now because Mitt Romney is going to take away PBS’ subsidy.  Really?  Does anyone even watch PBS anymore anyway?  I love big bird as much as the next guy but let’s face it people, cuts need to be made and if giving big bird the pink slip helps get our country’s finances under control then so be it.  As Romney said, if it’s so important that we have to borrow money from China to pay for it…  

By the way, I love that Romney mentioned tolerance of ALL religions & beliefs and that we are each entitled to pursue happiness in the way we see fit!  And no, I don’t like him just because he’s Mormon ;)

Just a couple more thoughts before the brains of my liberal friends start oozing out of their ears ;)  Many times when the President was talking, it seemed as if he had forgotten that he has been the one in charge for the last 4 years.  4 years ago he promised to cut the deficit but hasn’t.  He talked about 2.8 billion dollars/year in incentives or credits for oil/gas companies being too much and unnecessary but he was the one who pushed for 3 times that much/year to go to companies like Solyndra for green energy production…we all know how that turned out…  I think the President means well but you know what they say about good intentions…  And let’s not forget about the Vice-President’s laugh-inducing flub about the middle class being buried for the last 4 years…um, I think you just talked trash about your boss Mr. VP!

Enough ranting…if you got nothing out of this except a migraine, go take an aspirin and know that I don’t really care who you vote for, as long as you KNOW who you are voting for.  Don’t vote for someone just because of their party affiliation or skin tone or religion or whatever.  Vote for the person that most closely represents the things that you believe will be best.  Too often we get caught up in the politics of the moment and forget that the decisions we make now (about voting and so many other things) will directly affect us in the future!

Thanks for stopping by!

(P.S. I did a little bit of research for this post but I didn't take the time to proof read so exqueeze any typos!!)

The Trouble with Mormons

I’ve been stewing over what to put in this post for a while (a while as in 6 months or so).  Most of you know that in Utah the predominant religion is LDS.  For those that don’t know what that means (and even for those that do) I will be using the term “Mormon” (not my favorite term but it will do) for the rest of this post.  There are several things about Mormons that trouble me.  I should clarify that I am mostly referring to Utah Mormons…there is a big difference between Mormons here and Mormons in other states.  I am Mormon so I don’t in the least feel bad about calling everyone out on at least a few of those troublesome things as I myself am guilty of some of them.

The trouble with Mormons is that they think everyone else not only should be Mormon, but wants to be Mormon and is just waiting for someone to come along to convert them.  I got news for y’all (that’s the Southern coming out in me), Mormonism is part of Christianity…there are many religions that are Christian and if you took the time to research or learn about any of them, you would see quickly that all of them have basically the same idea of the “big picture”, they just go about getting there in different ways.  Of course each religion has its own little unique practices and histories, but the end-goal is pretty much the same.

One of my biggest peeves is that Mormons equate religion with spirituality.  They are NOT the same.  I am not a religious person but I am very spiritual.  Yes, I’m Mormon.  Yes, I’m proud to be Mormon, but I don’t believe that I need to go sit in a building with 500 other people for 3 hours every Sunday to have a one on one relationship with God.  I converse with God on a daily basis…you could say we’re tight :) 

I know that church is meant to renew your covenants and rejuvenate your soul blah, blah, blah…too bad.  I work way too hard and spend far too much time away from my family the other 165 hours of the week, and I refuse to give up those 3 hours on Sunday.  If that is wrong, then let the big man upstairs be the one to judge me for it.  Church for me is spending Sunday with my son (and pretty soon, my husband too), enjoying the blessing of motherhood and the beauty of this earth.  For those of you that are right now ready to reach through the screen and argue with me, let me ask you a question: who is the better person—someone who races through their life week after week doing everything possible to “keep up with the Jones’” but manages to keep up appearances at church on Sunday…or, the person who takes a few minutes each day to enjoy the small things in life and stops to smell the proverbial roses but doesn’t go to church because they need personal rejuvenation that they can’t get in a building full of people??  Think about it…

Another trouble with Mormons is that they are judgmental…I am the first to admit that I sometimes (more often than I should) judge things that I know nothing about.  You never know the battle someone else may be fighting…  Of all people, I know that and I should know better than to judge a book by its cover.  But it is ingrained in us!  Sadly, we are taught (inadvertently) as children to be judgmental.  Mormons aren’t the only ones that do this of course, but again, it seems to be more rampant than among other religions.  It’s very hypocritical really…our beliefs teach us to love and accept ALL of our fellow men and women yet we leave the church building and go right back to judging and comparing ourselves to everyone else!

In this city, image is EVERYTHING…at least to many Mormons it is.  It comes back to taking it upon ourselves to be judge, jury, and executioner.  Perfect example: Mormon moms (and dads probably) expect that their sons will go on a mission the very moment they turn 19.  They don’t even stop to take a millisecond and give their son a say in the matter.  If, God forbid, said son decides not to go on a mission, the parents take it personally as if it harms their image because their son didn’t do God’s work!  And don’t even get me started on if the son decides to serve his country in the military INSTEAD of serving a mission…  Girls aren’t allowed to go on missions until they are 21 because they are expected to get married and have kids…that has always bugged me.

Same goes for temple marriage.  I think temple marriage (and marriage in general) is a wonderful thing, if it’s what the bride and groom wants…not what the parents want.  Contrary to popular belief around here, just because you get married in the temple does not mean you will have a happy marriage and just because you don’t get married in the temple doesn’t mean you will have a bad marriage.  But again, it all comes down to image and what are your kids doing to better your image…dumbest thing ever.  Who freaking cares what other people think about you…you are feeding their judgmental beast when you care what they think!  I heard a great quote once: “What other people think about you is none of your business”…wise words!

Another thing that really bugs me is that Mormons have their own time system.  If you have never heard the term “Mormon Standard Time” (MST), now you have.  Now we all know what EST, CST, & PST stand for and what MST is supposed to stand for, but in Utah, it has officially been changed.  In Utah, MST indicates that no matter what time you are supposed to be somewhere, you can be at least 15 minutes late, and people will wait for you.  Now I wouldn’t suggest this for things such as your own wedding, graduation, or funeral (haha!) but pretty much anything else is acceptable.  I know many of you are nodding your head in agreement and thinking “oh, that explains a lot”… :)  My grampa (yes I know I spelled it wrong…) always taught me that if you were 15 minutes early for something then you were on time, on time meant you were late, and late was not even an option (this will come in handy when I’m in the military!) so the new MST was not allowed in our house!

Don’t even get me started on home teaching and visiting teaching…I don’t know how they do it, but every time I move from one place to another, THEY find me!  Someone tell me, is the church a relative of Big Brother??  Do they monitor your movements and stalk you wherever you go??  :)   Seriously though, it’s kind of annoying when I change my address and I have new visiting teachers or home teachers calling me before I even get moved in.  I don’t mind if they stop by to chat and introduce themselves, that’s just good manners.  What bugs me is that they automatically assume that I WANT them to continue to come over and talk to me about church.  Honestly, that puts me off more than anything. 

True story: I moved into my current home nearly 3 years ago.  I no sooner got settled (sort of) and I had some OLD (seriously, we are talking mid to late 80’s) man knocking on my door asking when he and some other OLD man could come over and visit me.  There they go with the assuming that I want them in my home…  Anyone who really knows me knows that I am not super social.  I don’t go out of my way to meet new people and I certainly do NOT like visitors in my house (except for very close friends and family) so I was bugged from the get go.  I’m not even sure how he ended up with my phone number but after that first visit he called me…incessantly!  He even managed somehow to get my work number and called me there when I didn’t answer my cell phone.  That made me pretty mad…for heaven’s sake it’s just home teaching, not life and death.  You don’t have to call me at work…better yet, DON’T call me at work…

Finally one evening (hoping that if I agreed then he would leave me alone) I caved and said they could come over…  More assuming…the first question was “so what does your husband do?”  I had my wedding ring on so it was obvious that I’m married but, they still could have asked.  The next question: “so do you work outside of the home?”  As if my answer to the first question hadn’t pretty much already answered the second…they then asked “so who takes care of your son?”  Perhaps I was being judgmental in assuming that they would have figured out the answers to #’s 2 & 3 based on my answer to #1…

The not-short-enough visit wrapped up with the usual “well we hope to see you at church, it’s at such & such time on Sunday (duh, I already knew that Mormons go to church on Sunday…)  As much as I had hoped that they would leave me be after that, they didn’t.  That’s not what bothers me though…what bothers me is that they have a whole 30 days to contact the 3-4 families they are supposed to contact every month but they wait until literally the second to last day of the month to call me!  Really???  I’m busy people, I can’t just drop what I’m doing and let you come to my house just because you waited until the last minute to do your home teaching this month (and every month).  What’s worse is when the first OLD guy just stops by out of the blue…I swear he watches for me to come home then runs (haha, RUNS?!?!) around the corner to my house.  Every time he expects me to invite him in (which I don’t because again, I don’t like visitors, especially uninvited ones) and then he almost acts upset when I tell him I don’t think there is a time the next day that he can come back!! 

Then there’s my visiting teachers…how many freakin teachers does one little 29 year old need for cryin out loud?  I loved the visiting teachers I had when we first moved to this neighborhood.  They were awesome!  They always called a few days in advance (and not at the end of the month) and always asked what time was convenient FOR ME for them to come over.  If for some reason we couldn’t set a time, we would chat on the phone for a minute and that would be it.  I really appreciated the respect they had for my time and situation.  They always made me feel like they cared about me…not just about whether or not they fulfilled their obligation to visit me every month.  I was very sad when about a year ago, our ward boundaries changed and I was assigned new visiting teachers.  The new relief society (similar to the red hat society, only with religion involved…haha!!) president, who had to be at least 75, called me and asked if I would like to have visiting teachers.  My exact words were “I would love to have visiting teachers if you can make sure to assign me someone that is close to my age”.  I didn’t think that my request was out of line…after all, I’m 29 years young, if I’m gonna have to socialize, it would be nice to socialize with people that were born in the same decade.

About 2 weeks later I got a call…it was one of my new visiting teachers.  Any guesses on how old she is???  C’mon, someone guess…OVER 60!!  Not that that is a bad thing but seriously she talked to me like I was a little 12 year old and that totally drove me nuts!  Why on earth do the ward leaders think that I want the geriatrics unit (home teachers included) at my house???  Why why why do they assign 80 year old men to visit (or stalk) a 29 year old temporarily single woman???  CREEPY!  What the hell am I supposed to talk about with them…the weather??  They are all of the mindset that women belong in the home making and raising babies and men should provide a living for the family.  Fine, maybe that worked for them but this is the 21^st century…  I could go on and on about this but I won’t…

As much as I would love to keep ranting, this post is really long already so I’ll leave you with this: in a talk at LDS General Conference about 2 weeks ago, Dieter Uchtdorf gave the best piece of advice I have heard in a very long time: “don’t judge me because I sin differently than you”.  Fellow Mormons, Christians, & humans: if you have paid attention to nothing else in the last 15 minutes, pay attention to those words.  Realize that IMAGE IS NOTHING, CHARACTER IS EVERYTHING.  We are not put on this earth to judge each other but to love each other.  So, if you love me a little less after reading my Mormon bashing rant, I accept that.  After all, it’s none of my business what you think of me!!!  Peace and Love to all of you :)

Running the Race or Chasing the Dream...

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." ~ Mary Manin Morrissey~


So it's been a while since I posted anything new on here...things have been crazy to say the least! I was just reading Here's Your Life, Would You Like Paper or Plastic? when I realized that it is time to write a sequel...

I must start by restating the question that defined that original post: WHAT IS YOUR DREAM AND ARE YOU DOING WHAT IT TAKES TO ATTAIN IT? It just occurred to me that many of us may not even know what our dream is until it shows up on our front door step...that is, if you are lucky enough for it to just show up. More often than not, if you don't know what your dream is, then you will likely never find it, or have it find you.

I stated my dream in that original post but here is a tidbit of it in case you didn’t go back and read it: I’m a musician…I want to get paid to play…music!  What could possibly be better than making a living doing what you love to do, when you want to do it, because you want to do it?  It’s hard to know where to even begin the path to achieving what you want most but I think that by simply knowing exactly what you want, you will attract it…or at the very least find yourself on the right track to getting it.

That happened to me!  I have known for 2 years now that I wanted my career to be in music.  I initially wanted to teach high school and that is what I strived for.  Gradually I began to feel like I belonged in an ensemble rather than in front of one so in November (2011) I changed my major from Music Ed. to Music.  Once I did that, it seems that the pieces just fell into place…

One Wednesday at my private lesson, my teacher said that he had been contacted by the local Marine recruiter to see if he had any students (clarinet students) that would be interested in joining the Marine Corps as a musician.  I had been considering the military as a career option for a while (although not very seriously considering it) but it had been on the back burner so I could finish school.  But when my teacher asked if I would be interested in meeting with the recruiter, I said YES!  A meeting was set and a week later, we (my teacher and I) met with the recruiter.

I’ll spare you the details of our meeting (and the one’s that followed over the next couple of weeks) but just know that I did my research, asked my questions (many of them), and thought long and hard before making my decision.  After about 3 weeks, I decided that this was the opportunity I had been waiting for, or better yet, had been waiting for me.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and I know what opportunity looks like so I decided to go for it.

I received about 15 pages of technical exercises (stuff that is used to determine how well (or badly) an instrumentalist can play) and instructions on what to have prepared for the first “round” of my audition.  I practiced those exercises nearly every day for about 2 weeks so I could get everything just right. 

I did the first part of my audition on January 20^th and passed with flying colors :)  After that, my live audition was scheduled for February 3^rd…and I also passed that.  I was a little bit nervous for it but I felt prepared and knew that if I just played my best then things would turn out the way they were meant to turn out.  Well, I passed!  I got a high enough score that I even get to choose where I am stationed!!

So, enough about that for a minute, the whole point of this is to prove that no matter your circumstances, your commitments, or your doubts, if you KNOW what you want, you CAN get it.  Put aside all the “what if’s” and “but’s” and just go for it.  The only failure is in not trying.  Had I let my doubts get in the way and not auditioned, I still wouldn’t know what to do with my life and I would have passed up what is probably the best opportunity I have ever been presented with. 

How many times have you passed up what may have been THE opportunity of a lifetime because you THOUGHT you couldn’t do it?  You can’t go through life thinking that you can’t do something, you have to KNOW that you CAN do it! 

I know that the road ahead is going to be tough and that I will want to throw in the towel more than once, but my success will come by holding on to the towel…and probably using it to wipe sweat off my face a few times :)  

So, to sound like a broken record, are YOU doing what needs to be done to attain what you want in YOUR life??  It‘s a simple question really.  Are you just running through your life with no clear goal to run to or are you chasing your dream all the way to the finish line??  I can now say that I am 100% chasing my dream…actually, I have caught it and am pushing full steam ahead to the finish line.  My only wish is that more people can step outside of themselves, be a little uncomfortable, and reap the rewards for going after whatever it is that they desire!

Thanks for reading, I know it was a doozy :)

Absent...

So I have been on hiatus for some time now...School, work, and single-parenthood will do that.  However, I have much to rant about.  For now, I just want to look back at some of my previous posts...such as this one.  Enjoy :) 

The Mask-Ot

So I read this news highlight on facebook the other day “BYU to consider changing mascot due to possible offense toward older women.”  Yes, you read that correctly…this was a story done by one of the most watched news stations in the state.  Now I dislike BYU as much as the next guy, but, in the words of Chris Berman: C’mon Man!!

The story went on to detail that the use of the cougar as the institution’s mascot may be offensive to some older (I think they meant middle aged) women.  Really?  I didn’t even realize that women were called cougars, but if they were, it should be taken as a compliment.  After all, cougars are graceful, gorgeous animals that aren’t afraid to defend their territory and their young.  I could certainly handle being referred to as graceful and gorgeous on a regular basis!

This is just plain idiocy. 

For those of you that don’t know, BYU is Brigham Young University and is located in Provo, UT.  Commonly referred to in these parts as the “Y”, the university’s mascot is the cougar.  Being the practical thinker that I am, I realize (as most logical people would) that they most likely chose the cougar as their mascot because the Wasatch mountains (mountain range spanning most of northern Utah) are home to many cougars (aka: mountain lions & pumas).  So the founders of the school decided to use a symbol of the local area as the identifying image of their institution.  Isn’t that how mascots are usually determined anyway? 

I am from a small town called Delta, Utah.  Seriously I think there are more jack rabbits there than in the rest of the world combined.  So guess what our high school mascot was (and still is)…you got it, the Rabbits.  The mascot for Cedar HS in Cedar City, UT is the Redmen, so named for the multitude of Native American Indians that once inhabited the area (so I am guessing).    

As stupid as it is to even have the time to think about being offended by a mascot (and if you are, you REALLY need to find a hobby because you have WAY too much time on your hands), BYU isn’t the only college in this state to change or at least consider changing their mascot because somebody got offended (see quote in right sidebar of this blog to remind yourself now I feel about offending people).

Every few years it seems someone pops out a story about the University of Utah (the “U”) needing to change its mascot (the Runnin’ Utes) because it may (or may not) be offensive to the descendants of the native Ute Indians that used to inhabit much of Northern Utah.  Now maybe it’s just me, but if I were of Native American heritage (oh wait, I am!!  Different tribe though…) I would feel honored to have a major institution recognize the heritage of the area and name their mascot after it.  Besides, what would they change it to, the Pioneers??  Then you would have half a million “Mormons” (I can use that term cuz I am one) with their panties in a knot over the use of the “pioneer” as a mascot. 

A few years back, Dixie State College changed their mascot (which used to be the Rebels).  Partly because of the proximity to UNLV whose mascot is also the Rebels, but probably more so because some white collar paper pusher suggested that it portrayed an image of the school as not being patriotic and having a rebellious nature. 

PLEASE…give me a break!!  It’s a freaking mascot—something that is supposed to generate school spirit and make the fans go wild at football or basketball (or whatever-ball) games.  It’s something that gets printed on sweatshirts, T-shirts, pens, pencils, and pants to help students show off their school pride.  I’m pretty sure that 100 years ago when the school was born, the founders did not envision it as a rebellious, unpatriotic institution.  But, because one (maybe two) people even had the time to think that being “the Rebels” didn’t LOOK good, the school changed its mascot.  They involved the students, had a vote, some kind of big celebration, yada yada yada, and wham bam don’t you know it, now it’s the Red Storm.

Forgive me for not having any school spirit here but what the hell is a Red Storm and how exactly do you dress someone up as one at a football game??  Maybe they chose that name because when the wind blows here the red dirt blows around and turns everything a nice shade of rusty brown for a few days…who knows.

What I do know is that these days, far too many people read much more into things than they need to and because they have nothing better to do than cause more drama in the world, they make up these ridiculous stories about being offended by something that means nothing.  You know what I say to people like that?  TOUGH!!  Suck it up cupcake and get over it already.  You are only offended because you chose to be offended.  The world doesn’t revolve around you and if you are offended by something so trivial as a school mascot, that’s your problem.

There, that’s my soapbox for the day!  Now that I have spewed my thoughts on the subject, I think I’ll go find one of my old Dixie REBELS shirts and have a drink!!

(of water…in case you were wondering  ;)

Remember when...

"We are flooded with data but starved for wisdom" ~Margaret Kelly~

I have returned from my blogging hiatus (aka: my awesome vacation) and I have a whole slew of new things to rant about!! So, as to not waste anymore time, here goes the first one!

Do you ever notice how our lives are ran by our electronic devices these days? I'm not that old but even I remember when a text message message meant you were sitting down to write a letter to someone!

In the process of making everything in life quicker and easier, we have also made it more complicated. Think about it...computers and the Internet and smartphones are amazing, as long as they function properly. I can't count the number of times my day has come to a screeching halt because my computer decided to freeze or the Internet connection was cut for some reason. I can't do much of anything at work if my electronics aren't working. I am crippled like a car with no motor when that happens. It makes me wonder how people got work done 20 years ago...

When I was a kid we had a yellow rotary telephone, no call waiting, answering machine or voice mail, no computer until I was a teenager, no Xbox or playstation, and certainly no ipod. I had a Walkman and a stunning collection of cassette tapes on which I recorded my favorite songs from the radio. If I wanted to talk to someone on the phone I had to actually pick up the phone and dial the number (which took about 5 minutes on that lovely yellow phone!) and pray that the other person was actually home to answer my call. If I was bored (not a smart thing to be in our house unless you wanted some super uncool farm chores to do!) I went outside and found or made up things to do. Would you believe that even without all of these things that today's kids HAVE to have, I turned out pretty good (if I do say so myself!!)

The only facebooks we had were comics and picture books, snail mail (or morse code) was THE way to send messages and information to people, and cell phones were the size of cinder blocks (not to mention as expensive as some small foreign cars)! My personal favorite from the "pre-technology" era is that when you called the 800 number on your bank statement (or whatever) because you had a question, a real live breathing person actually answered the phone (OMG you mean real people used to do that??)

Life ran at a much slower pace back then and sometimes (ok most of the time) I wish it still did. Even with the convenience that modern technology has given us, I think it has taken something away from us as well. People don't seem to want to talk to each other anymore...they just text or email them instead. I'm as guilty as the next guy of this because texting is so convenient and can be done inconspicuously but it's a little ridiculous when you are trying to have a face to face conversation with someone and their phone won't shut up or when you are trying to teach a bunch of kids and they just have their eyeballs and fingers glued to their phones. I remember when cell phones weren't even an issue in school because nobody had one...we just had to worry about getting caught passing notes in class instead!

I'm not saying that technology is all bad, after all I am laying on my couch typing this post on my iPad as we speak, but if some kind of disaster were to come along and wipe out our electronics' capabilities, life as we know it would come to an abrupt stop. If no one knows how we functioned before technology, then we will have no way of recovering from such a disaster.

Besides, life is too short and much too valuable to just blast through it at a million miles an hour...I think people in general would be much happier if they just slowed down a little bit and "disconnected" themselves from the world every now and then. It's actually quite liberating to turn your phone off or ignore your emails and just live without the cyber distractions that constantly bombard our neurons. With that, I'm done for the night...don't try to call or message me as my phone, iPad, and computer are being turned off for the night :)

A little insight...

It's the end of the semester...finals are done, sleep has been lost (never to be recovered), concerts played, and grades posted.  Nonetheless, my day feels a little incomplete now that all I have to do every day is work…and be a mom…and practice.  I have learned so much about my major and myself this last year that I feel the need to elaborate a little...I am a music major.  It's always interesting to see people's reactions when they find out I am in college and what my major is. They seem very excited and interested, expecting me to say that I'm going to be a doctor or some big wig business mogul, then when I say that I am a music major, it's like, oh...well that's nice, so how's the weather??  Now, I'm not saying that everybody is like that, but, I would just like to know why it is that being a medical student or business major is so intriguing yet majoring in the arts is "no big deal."  Let me just for a moment give you a brief glance into the day of a typical undergrad music major:

6am: alarm goes off, press snooze

610am: repeat previous step

620am: repeat previous step

630am: repeat previous step

635am: use right leg to kick own butt out of bed

640am: finally wake up all the way to realize your feet are on the floor and it's go time

645-700am: brush teeth, comb hair (sometimes), get dressed (or stay in pajamas), locate car keys, find books, grab instrument, head to school

730am: get to school, realize your practice room has been commandeered by some lowly freshman that didn't even get an assigned practice room

735am: convince freshman to leave, assemble instrument, get some warm air moving, and begin practice session

855am: finish practice session, quickly clean and put instrument in case, grab books & instrument, head to first class (usually music theory or ear training--depending on the day this occurs at 755am instead)

900-950am: bombard brain with facts about genius composers and the amazing things they did, take massive amounts of notes, learn about the intricate workings of all kinds of music

10-1050am: next class (music history or general ed class) more learning and note taking

11-1150am: instrument studies--depending on the semester, could be strings, brass, percussion, or woodwinds

12-1250pm: Large ensemble rehearsal--reassemble instrument, get warm air moving, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse

1-150pm: small ensemble rehearsal--repeat previous step

2-250pm: possible ensemble rehearsal or additional general ed required class

3-350pm: repeat previous step

4-450pm: repeat previous step

500pm: realize it's been nearly 24 hours since eating and search for nearest vending machine, or make a beeline for the campus cafeteria

515pm: kick freshman out of practice room again, assemble instrument, rinse mouth, practice

600pm: take break from practicing

605-730pm: continue practicing

730-800pm: finish practice session, clean and put away instrument, grab books, go home...on some days at this time--play a concert

800pm-????am: digest the days events and what was learned, do homework, do more homework, and if you are really lucky, eat again, possibly get a shower, and finally lay your head somewhere to get some sleep (hopefully not on your books as drool tends to ruin the pages)...

Of course this schedule varies for each of us, for me, you have to add take care of 4 year-old and work semi-full time somewhere in the day, but you get the jist.  Now, to anyone out there that thinks being a music major is just some fun, sit-on-your-butt-all-day-playing-music, easy shmeezy gig, you are sorely mistaken.  Music majors are required to put in more time outside of the classroom than any other major, more classes are required and are generally worth less credits (while requiring a lot more additional work/practice outside the classroom), and we have to constantly work on our skills or we lose them. We basically have to combine our math, english (and other languages), psychology, writing, history, and fine motor skills together and use them every single day...and we have to combine all of those things with sound and make it make sense. It's like P.E. + calculus + science + sound...that equals music.

So, you may ask why would anyone WANT to major in music if so much is required?  A professor of mine asked our class that question several months ago (his question was "why are you in music?"). He asked each of us individually that same question...at first we thought he was just casually asking but he was serious. The room fell silent as he asked each of us why we are in music and what our dream is. He repeated the question for each person as he came to them...many had a difficult time answering. As I sat in my seat, listening to my classmates' answers, I realized something. I realized that we aren't in music just because we like it, or we like to perform, or we are good at it...we are in music because music is in us. Why else would we subject ourselves to such torturous schedules?  Why else would we willingly put ourselves through the stress of dealing with broken reeds, bent mechanisms, loose valves, broken strings...(this list goes on and on and on)?  Because music is in us...it IS us.  Any of you that are musicians, music teachers, majors, or students will completely understand what I mean by that. I'm definitely not saying that being a med student, business major, law student, etc. is easy, but the next time that someone says they are a music major, congratulate them on choosing such a challenging subject, encourage them to keep going and see it through--it's very difficult to be a music major without support.

Why all the ranting you ask? Well, I have been told a couple of stories by fellow music majors about how their families think it's sooooo awesome that their brother is in med school or their sister is graduating from law school but their family just blows off the fact that they are a music major--that's annoying.  It's simply that people don't understand what it means and requires to do it.  Like so many other things in life, you don't know what it's like unless you have gone through it...

If you made it this far in this post, congratulations! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it and the next time you hear a great piece of music or go to a great concert, I hope you will have a little better understanding of the proverbial "blood, sweat, & tears" that goes into preparing and presenting it!!

Gay, Straight, or Just a Little Twisted...

Disclaimer:  Many of you will choose to be offended by what I have written in this post.  That’s okay.  Please read to the end before you get completely ticked off and decide to take me off of your reading list and/or your facebook friends list.  Remember that I only intend to get your wheels turning and get you thinking outside of the box a little bit. J 

So, with all of the hullabaloo these days about gay marriage and gay rights and all that, I figured I would deposit my two cents worth on the subject.  I will be the first to admit that I used to be completely against gay marriage.  Not really sure why, I just was.  In the uber conservative state that I live in, I guess it’s just in the air that that isn’t the way marriage is supposed to happen.  I am proud to say that I have changed my mind on that matter J

Before I get too carried away, let’s just see how Webster defines marriage:

Marriage: (noun) the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law; the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that described above; the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage; an intimate or close union

This is pretty straight-forward.  So, for everyone that still thinks that allowing gay people to have legal rights to marriage is taboo, the definition of the word itself gives them that right.  Beyond that though, don’t we all have the right to have choose a mate to have a legally recognized, intimate relationship with, regardless of their gender? 

Now, being from Utah, I know that I will have friends and readers coming out of the woodwork to argue with me on this.  Being of the pre-dominant religion in this state, I fully expect it.  I’m okay with that.  I believe that the world is not as clean and clear-cut as people of this religion often make it out to be.  Just because someone is different or has a different preference than what we are taught is “right” (I really don’t like using that word in this context…) doesn’t mean that they should be denied the same rights as everyone else. 

For those of you that still want to argue with me, let me ask you a question, actually 2 questions: #1—why should it matter to you who someone else wants to marry? (it doesn’t affect you in slightest…unless they are trying to marry your partner, in which case, it’s probably a pretty big deal to you) #2—if you were lucky enough to be sitting with God at the judgment day parade helping him decide who to vote into heaven, who would you vote for: the guy who cheats on his wife & neglects his kids but shows up to church every Sunday to put on a show that he is a model husband?  Or, the gay man who has been in a faithful, committed relationship for many years, treats his partner with love and respect and does his part to treat others the way he would like to be treated?  I know who I would vote for to go thru the pearly white gates and it wouldn’t be contestant #1…

Think about it…it’s no different than back in the 1800’s when our pioneer ancestors were being persecuted in the Midwest because their religious views were different than the majority’s.  They simply wanted to be allowed to live and practice their beliefs as they saw fit without disruption from those who believed differently.  They were all but forced to move west simply because their beliefs were not “right”.

Fast forward a couple hundred years (almost) and you have the same principle at work.  Gay people just want to be able to live their lives as they see fit without ridicule and disruption.  That thought is what changed my thinking on this matter.  I have been married to my husband for over 9 years now and although we have had a lion’s share of trials, we are happy and still in love with each other.  The law recognizes us as married and affords us all of the benefits that come with that recognition.  Why shouldn’t people in same-sex relationships be allowed to have those same benefits?

I have several gay friends and they are some of the most amazing, talented, loving people I know.  Some of things I love most about them are that they know who they are and they are comfortable with themselves.  They don’t put on a show for anybody and they aren’t judgmental.  Of course I know “straight” (again I hate using that word…maybe “non-gay” is better…) people like that as well but it seems that judgmental-ness runs rampant in many “straight” people.  That is a discussion for a different day though… 

Anyway, the point is that regardless of one’s sexual preference, we all have the right to be loved, to be happy, and to enjoy our lives without fear of ridicule, persecution, and hate from others.  So, whether you are gay, straight, or just a little twisted (in your thinking that is), I say “to each their own”.  Life is too short to be held back by other people’s judgments.  Be true to yourself and live the life YOU choose to live…

And just for fun, let’s see how Webster defines gay:

Gay: (Adj) 1a: happily excited : merry <in a gay mood> 1b: keenly alive and exuberant: having or inducing high spirits <a bird's gay spring song> 2a: bright, lively <gay sunny meadows> 2b: brilliant in color 3: given to social pleasures

Interesting isn’t it J

You Mean I'm NOT Superwoman??

(A continuation of my last post…)

Not to burst my own bubble or anything, but I’m really NOT Superwoman.  That sucks.  All this time I thought I could do anything and everything all at the same time and never bat an eyelash…

I’ll be the first to admit that I put a lot on my plate all the time and usually forget to make a space on that plate for myself.  I am always doing, being, or working for someone else.  As a mom, I’m always doing for my son, as a student I’m always doing for my teachers (although school is for myself but it’s very demanding), and as an employee I’m always doing for my boss.  Pretty much I don’t have time to just “do” for myself which is not a good thing.

As you probably already know from reading my post, Enablers and the Addicts Who Make Them, I have had to put on my strong face many times in the past and the way that I did that was to keep myself ridiculously busy so that I didn’t have time to think about what was going on at home.  What you didn’t get from that post is that I have been going it alone as a married-single mom for the last 3ish years while my husband serves the sentence received for his conviction.  So, to recap, I’m a full-time mom, full-time student, and basically full-time employee…this is where my superwoman complex comes in.

I keep my strong face on all the time and just bulldoze my way through any obstacle life throws at me…most of the time.  Unfortunately, there are those rare occasions when even I break down and realize that I can’t be strong for everyone all the time.  I hate those times.  I hate feeling weak and vulnerable and having doubts that I can do everything I have committed to.  I’m not a complainer so when things start to get rough, I just keep them in and deal with them.  I know there are plenty of other people out there with much harder circumstances than me so I don’t feel that I have the right to complain.  After all, I CHOSE my circumstances.  I chose to stick by my husband, I chose to return to college…these were my choices to make so I don’t complain about the outcomes I get from them.

Luckily for me, I have a loving supportive husband and the best friends and family a girl could ask for who will always lend me their ears to vent to and/or shoulders to cry on.  They remind me that it’s okay to take my game face off every now and then and just do for myself for a while.  It’s amazing how recharged you feel after a nice long talk with a good friend or after stealing some of your time back from everyone & everything that takes it from you.  It’s like being in a torrential rainstorm with clouds as black as night and then all of a sudden, the sun breaks through and the rain goes away J

So, I leave you with this thought for the day: You can please everyone sometimes and someone every time, but you can’t please everyone all the time.  Embrace the imperfections and disappointments that come your way and learn from them.  Make the choice to LIVE your life regardless of the circumstances you are handed and don’t forget to keep some of your precious time for yourself every now and then!

It's OK to be Selfish...Sometimes

Have you ever been so drained (physically, mentally, emotionally, maybe all 3…) that you felt like you were on auto pilot?  I have…last occurrence was about 2 weeks ago!  Now, before I elaborate on the real topic of this post, let me just explain a little about my life at the moment.  I am a full-time mom (currently single but only for about 7 more months), full-time student, and close enough to full-time employee.  Any one of those things alone is enough to wear you down, combine them all together and you’re bound to have a meltdown or two.

So, last month, we were in the middle of the performance run for the musical at the college which means that for 2 weeks straight, I woke up at 6:30 am, got myself and the 4 year old ready, took him to pre-school and me to work by 8:45, went to school at 11, back to work at 1:30, back to school again at 5:30, down to the pit (area under the stage where the musicians sit) at 6:30, played the show starting at 7:30, left school between 10:30 & 11:00, picked up the 4 year old from the babysitter’s, got home between 11:00 & 11:30, did homework till 1:30 am or so and finally got to sleep.  I’m pretty sure I lost track of what day it was at some point due to the 4 year old getting sick and puking all night one night so 2 of those days blended into one really loooooong day. 

Anyway, by the time the last few nights of the show rolled around I was so drained that I was definitely on auto pilot.  You know you are exhausted when you walk by one of your professors and the first words out of their mouth are “wow, you look tired!”  Tired doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt like that day.  If I were my cell phone, I would have had that flashing red battery light going off like crazy saying “warning, 1% battery remaining” J 

I sat down and had a relaxing conversation with a great friend and began to feel my batteries recharge (slowly).  In the midst of that conversation I realized that I had been (and still am) devoting ALL of my time and energy to everyone else and none to myself.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can only go so long without some “me” time before I just start to shut down.  I was at that shut down point.  So, I did, only for a few minutes though.  Like a computer, I shut down for a minute, rebooted, and felt better!  I was still really tired but mentally I felt refreshed.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because as parents, students, employees, spouses, etc. we are constantly required to give as much of ourselves as possible to someone else and rarely have time to realize that we haven’t given anything to ourselves.  We can only do that for so long before the quality of what we give to others goes down.  So, my solution: BE SELFISH!  Not all the time of course, but make time for yourself to recharge your batteries and reboot your system.  Whether it’s a jog around the block, date night with friends, a drive by yourself in the car, do it.  Steal back some of your precious time and energy from everyone else and keep it.  You will be so glad that you did and everyone around you will notice.  My challenge to you for today: PLAN 30 MINUTES THIS WEEK THAT YOU WILL DEVOTE TO YOURSELF.  Feel free to post a comment with what you do to recharge yourself and go ahead, be a little selfish, you deserve it!

Enablers and the Addicts Who Make Them

This is a bit of a difficult post for me to write.  It hits very close to home for me as I am a recovering enabler.  You may be scratching your head wondering what in the world I’m talking about so let me explain.  An enabler is someone who “enables” addictive behavior in another person.  That is a very broad definition but should give you an idea of where I am going with this.

No one ever plans on becoming an enabler.  I know that certainly wasn’t my childhood dream.  But, life intervened (as it often does) and there I was, an enabler.  Before I go much farther, I will warn you that this post will be very long but if you stick with me to the end, you will hopefully have a little better idea of the effects that addiction (to anything) has on all of us.

My husband of almost 10 years is a recovering drug addict.  He has been in recovery for nearly 5 years now after 18 years of drug use.  Unlike some addicts who choose to get help for their addiction, he was forced into recovery (in other words, he was arrested and sent to the county lock-up to detox).  At the time, that was the second best day of my life (after our wedding day).  Why??  Because for the first time in 2 years, I knew where he was, that he was safe, and most importantly, that things were finally going to change.  I slept better that night (February 16, 2007) than I had in a couple years.  It was like a giant weight had been instantly lifted off of my shoulders…

So how did my addict make me an enabler?  It’s quite simple actually but if you have never had to go through it you may not understand what it’s really like.  When he was on a “high” he was amazing.  He was fun to be around, happy (although it was an artificial happy), and active.  We could go out and do things and be a “normal” married couple…as long as he had a supply to last him.  But, when the supply ran out…enter enabler (A.K.A. Me).  

He would tell me that he was going to try to quit and beat his addiction and I would always support him.  “Coming down” from the high wasn’t too bad usually.  It would take a day or two without any drugs in his system before I noticed any change in him.  But, when the change came, it was night and day difference.  He would get very depressed, edgy, extremely irritable, and so tired he could sleep days away.  I would let him sleep as much as possible but it wasn’t easy.  I needed his attention too and this is how I became an enabler.  I could usually last 4 or 5 days without talking to him (because he would be sleeping the whole time) before I just couldn’t handle it anymore.  When he would finally wake up, he would see how I had been affected by not seeing him and he would ask me for money to go get a fresh supply.  I would almost always give it to him because at that point, a “high” husband was better than none at all. 

  

I had known about his problem for some time prior to his arrest in 2007.  He had been let go from his job in 2005 and without any solid prospects for employment, his addiction became his focus.  At that point, he had 2 loves in his life—his drug & me—sadly, in that order.  He would take off for days at a time and I wouldn’t hear a word from him.  He wouldn’t answer his phone, usually it was turned off.  Then after 2 or 3 days, he would call…normally around 3am to let me know he was still alive.  I didn’t care that it was the middle of the night when he called.  Often I was awake anyway wondering if the next phone call I was going to get would be from the cops telling me my husband was found dead somewhere. 

I don’t think there were too many nights over that 2 year period that I actually got a good night’s sleep.  That, along with the addiction itself, really started to take a toll on me.  I don’t really remember a lot about that period except that I numbed myself to the world to help me deal with it.  I would work as much as possible, usually 9 or so hours a day 5 days a week, to help keep me distracted and then I would go for a drive or just go home and watch TV alone in an attempt to escape the real world.  It worked most of the time too, after all, I survived!  I remember that I would always enjoy the times when he was high because we actually spent time together and I think my mind just blocked out the times when he was coming down and sleeping the days away so I don’t really remember much about those times.  Unfortunately, neither does he--the good or the bad times.

You are probably asking yourself why I even put up with this for so long and why I didn’t just walk away.  My answer is this: if someone you love (spouse, parent, child, sibling, etc…) has a problem and you have even a glimmer of hope that you can help them, you don’t walk away.  You do everything in your power to help them.  That is, until you realize that you can’t help them until they are ready to help themselves.  In my case, I was either too stubborn or too stupid (maybe both) to let that damn drug ruin my marriage.  I was not about to be beaten by some artificial substance.  Bottom line, you can’t help who you love, regardless of the baggage they may carry into your relationship and walking away may seem easy in theory but in reality, it’s anything but.

When put in that position, you do whatever you can to maintain any sort of normalcy you possibly can.  I promise you, it doesn’t matter how many times you say it’s going to be the last time you enable, it isn’t.  It’s a vicious cycle that continues on and on and is nearly impossible to get out of.  If you’ve never had to go through something like this, you don’t know how you would react so before you go on thinking that you would NEVER give money to a drug addict or that you would not allow a loved one with an addiction near you or your home, think again.  You would be amazed at the power your love for someone has over your decision making ability in that kind of a situation.

It got to the point that I knew there were only 2 ways the story was going to end: jail or dead.  I am so very glad that it was the former and not the latter.  2 weeks before his arrest, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child.  I told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of life and if he really wanted his problem to be a part of our child’s life.  Prior to this, it was “easy” (I use that term VERY loosely) to stick around and hope that things would change.  There wasn’t anyone else involved and my decision to stay affected only me.  But, add a baby to picture and that changed.  There was no way in hell I was going to have that around my baby.  I have never smoked or done any drugs and I only drink alcohol on rare occasions so I wasn’t about to subject my child to a life around drugs right out of the chute.  Of course I didn’t want to leave my husband but I knew in my heart that if things didn’t change by the time the baby came, I would have no choice. 

Anyway, back to the point…being an enabler is an addiction in and of itself.  As an enabler, you become addicted to the addict.  Their addiction grabs you and sucks you in and you can’t escape.  As I said before, if you haven’t been in a situation like this, you really don’t know how you would handle it so I urge you, if you know someone that has a loved one who is an addict (to anything), talk to them.  Ask them if there is anything you can do to help them (not the addict) deal with it.  Don’t judge them for sticking by their loved one, we all have our reasons why we stand by our loved ones…for better AND worse right?? 

Please leave a comment or ask any questions you may have about this.  Addicts and their enablers are regular everyday people.  Addiction doesn't discriminate between race, gender, age, ethnicity, religion, social status, or anything else.  It will grab whoever it can and it won't let go.  Addiction is a sickness that we all know so little about but if we can all just have a little bit better understanding about what it’s like to be on the spectator’s end of an addiction, we may just be able to help those closest to us who are struggling with it.