A little insight...

It's the end of the semester...finals are done, sleep has been lost (never to be recovered), concerts played, and grades posted.  Nonetheless, my day feels a little incomplete now that all I have to do every day is work…and be a mom…and practice.  I have learned so much about my major and myself this last year that I feel the need to elaborate a little...I am a music major.  It's always interesting to see people's reactions when they find out I am in college and what my major is. They seem very excited and interested, expecting me to say that I'm going to be a doctor or some big wig business mogul, then when I say that I am a music major, it's like, oh...well that's nice, so how's the weather??  Now, I'm not saying that everybody is like that, but, I would just like to know why it is that being a medical student or business major is so intriguing yet majoring in the arts is "no big deal."  Let me just for a moment give you a brief glance into the day of a typical undergrad music major:

6am: alarm goes off, press snooze

610am: repeat previous step

620am: repeat previous step

630am: repeat previous step

635am: use right leg to kick own butt out of bed

640am: finally wake up all the way to realize your feet are on the floor and it's go time

645-700am: brush teeth, comb hair (sometimes), get dressed (or stay in pajamas), locate car keys, find books, grab instrument, head to school

730am: get to school, realize your practice room has been commandeered by some lowly freshman that didn't even get an assigned practice room

735am: convince freshman to leave, assemble instrument, get some warm air moving, and begin practice session

855am: finish practice session, quickly clean and put instrument in case, grab books & instrument, head to first class (usually music theory or ear training--depending on the day this occurs at 755am instead)

900-950am: bombard brain with facts about genius composers and the amazing things they did, take massive amounts of notes, learn about the intricate workings of all kinds of music

10-1050am: next class (music history or general ed class) more learning and note taking

11-1150am: instrument studies--depending on the semester, could be strings, brass, percussion, or woodwinds

12-1250pm: Large ensemble rehearsal--reassemble instrument, get warm air moving, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse

1-150pm: small ensemble rehearsal--repeat previous step

2-250pm: possible ensemble rehearsal or additional general ed required class

3-350pm: repeat previous step

4-450pm: repeat previous step

500pm: realize it's been nearly 24 hours since eating and search for nearest vending machine, or make a beeline for the campus cafeteria

515pm: kick freshman out of practice room again, assemble instrument, rinse mouth, practice

600pm: take break from practicing

605-730pm: continue practicing

730-800pm: finish practice session, clean and put away instrument, grab books, go home...on some days at this time--play a concert

800pm-????am: digest the days events and what was learned, do homework, do more homework, and if you are really lucky, eat again, possibly get a shower, and finally lay your head somewhere to get some sleep (hopefully not on your books as drool tends to ruin the pages)...

Of course this schedule varies for each of us, for me, you have to add take care of 4 year-old and work semi-full time somewhere in the day, but you get the jist.  Now, to anyone out there that thinks being a music major is just some fun, sit-on-your-butt-all-day-playing-music, easy shmeezy gig, you are sorely mistaken.  Music majors are required to put in more time outside of the classroom than any other major, more classes are required and are generally worth less credits (while requiring a lot more additional work/practice outside the classroom), and we have to constantly work on our skills or we lose them. We basically have to combine our math, english (and other languages), psychology, writing, history, and fine motor skills together and use them every single day...and we have to combine all of those things with sound and make it make sense. It's like P.E. + calculus + science + sound...that equals music.

So, you may ask why would anyone WANT to major in music if so much is required?  A professor of mine asked our class that question several months ago (his question was "why are you in music?"). He asked each of us individually that same question...at first we thought he was just casually asking but he was serious. The room fell silent as he asked each of us why we are in music and what our dream is. He repeated the question for each person as he came to them...many had a difficult time answering. As I sat in my seat, listening to my classmates' answers, I realized something. I realized that we aren't in music just because we like it, or we like to perform, or we are good at it...we are in music because music is in us. Why else would we subject ourselves to such torturous schedules?  Why else would we willingly put ourselves through the stress of dealing with broken reeds, bent mechanisms, loose valves, broken strings...(this list goes on and on and on)?  Because music is in us...it IS us.  Any of you that are musicians, music teachers, majors, or students will completely understand what I mean by that. I'm definitely not saying that being a med student, business major, law student, etc. is easy, but the next time that someone says they are a music major, congratulate them on choosing such a challenging subject, encourage them to keep going and see it through--it's very difficult to be a music major without support.

Why all the ranting you ask? Well, I have been told a couple of stories by fellow music majors about how their families think it's sooooo awesome that their brother is in med school or their sister is graduating from law school but their family just blows off the fact that they are a music major--that's annoying.  It's simply that people don't understand what it means and requires to do it.  Like so many other things in life, you don't know what it's like unless you have gone through it...

If you made it this far in this post, congratulations! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it and the next time you hear a great piece of music or go to a great concert, I hope you will have a little better understanding of the proverbial "blood, sweat, & tears" that goes into preparing and presenting it!!

Gay, Straight, or Just a Little Twisted...

Disclaimer:  Many of you will choose to be offended by what I have written in this post.  That’s okay.  Please read to the end before you get completely ticked off and decide to take me off of your reading list and/or your facebook friends list.  Remember that I only intend to get your wheels turning and get you thinking outside of the box a little bit. J 

So, with all of the hullabaloo these days about gay marriage and gay rights and all that, I figured I would deposit my two cents worth on the subject.  I will be the first to admit that I used to be completely against gay marriage.  Not really sure why, I just was.  In the uber conservative state that I live in, I guess it’s just in the air that that isn’t the way marriage is supposed to happen.  I am proud to say that I have changed my mind on that matter J

Before I get too carried away, let’s just see how Webster defines marriage:

Marriage: (noun) the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law; the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that described above; the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage; an intimate or close union

This is pretty straight-forward.  So, for everyone that still thinks that allowing gay people to have legal rights to marriage is taboo, the definition of the word itself gives them that right.  Beyond that though, don’t we all have the right to have choose a mate to have a legally recognized, intimate relationship with, regardless of their gender? 

Now, being from Utah, I know that I will have friends and readers coming out of the woodwork to argue with me on this.  Being of the pre-dominant religion in this state, I fully expect it.  I’m okay with that.  I believe that the world is not as clean and clear-cut as people of this religion often make it out to be.  Just because someone is different or has a different preference than what we are taught is “right” (I really don’t like using that word in this context…) doesn’t mean that they should be denied the same rights as everyone else. 

For those of you that still want to argue with me, let me ask you a question, actually 2 questions: #1—why should it matter to you who someone else wants to marry? (it doesn’t affect you in slightest…unless they are trying to marry your partner, in which case, it’s probably a pretty big deal to you) #2—if you were lucky enough to be sitting with God at the judgment day parade helping him decide who to vote into heaven, who would you vote for: the guy who cheats on his wife & neglects his kids but shows up to church every Sunday to put on a show that he is a model husband?  Or, the gay man who has been in a faithful, committed relationship for many years, treats his partner with love and respect and does his part to treat others the way he would like to be treated?  I know who I would vote for to go thru the pearly white gates and it wouldn’t be contestant #1…

Think about it…it’s no different than back in the 1800’s when our pioneer ancestors were being persecuted in the Midwest because their religious views were different than the majority’s.  They simply wanted to be allowed to live and practice their beliefs as they saw fit without disruption from those who believed differently.  They were all but forced to move west simply because their beliefs were not “right”.

Fast forward a couple hundred years (almost) and you have the same principle at work.  Gay people just want to be able to live their lives as they see fit without ridicule and disruption.  That thought is what changed my thinking on this matter.  I have been married to my husband for over 9 years now and although we have had a lion’s share of trials, we are happy and still in love with each other.  The law recognizes us as married and affords us all of the benefits that come with that recognition.  Why shouldn’t people in same-sex relationships be allowed to have those same benefits?

I have several gay friends and they are some of the most amazing, talented, loving people I know.  Some of things I love most about them are that they know who they are and they are comfortable with themselves.  They don’t put on a show for anybody and they aren’t judgmental.  Of course I know “straight” (again I hate using that word…maybe “non-gay” is better…) people like that as well but it seems that judgmental-ness runs rampant in many “straight” people.  That is a discussion for a different day though… 

Anyway, the point is that regardless of one’s sexual preference, we all have the right to be loved, to be happy, and to enjoy our lives without fear of ridicule, persecution, and hate from others.  So, whether you are gay, straight, or just a little twisted (in your thinking that is), I say “to each their own”.  Life is too short to be held back by other people’s judgments.  Be true to yourself and live the life YOU choose to live…

And just for fun, let’s see how Webster defines gay:

Gay: (Adj) 1a: happily excited : merry <in a gay mood> 1b: keenly alive and exuberant: having or inducing high spirits <a bird's gay spring song> 2a: bright, lively <gay sunny meadows> 2b: brilliant in color 3: given to social pleasures

Interesting isn’t it J

You Mean I'm NOT Superwoman??

(A continuation of my last post…)

Not to burst my own bubble or anything, but I’m really NOT Superwoman.  That sucks.  All this time I thought I could do anything and everything all at the same time and never bat an eyelash…

I’ll be the first to admit that I put a lot on my plate all the time and usually forget to make a space on that plate for myself.  I am always doing, being, or working for someone else.  As a mom, I’m always doing for my son, as a student I’m always doing for my teachers (although school is for myself but it’s very demanding), and as an employee I’m always doing for my boss.  Pretty much I don’t have time to just “do” for myself which is not a good thing.

As you probably already know from reading my post, Enablers and the Addicts Who Make Them, I have had to put on my strong face many times in the past and the way that I did that was to keep myself ridiculously busy so that I didn’t have time to think about what was going on at home.  What you didn’t get from that post is that I have been going it alone as a married-single mom for the last 3ish years while my husband serves the sentence received for his conviction.  So, to recap, I’m a full-time mom, full-time student, and basically full-time employee…this is where my superwoman complex comes in.

I keep my strong face on all the time and just bulldoze my way through any obstacle life throws at me…most of the time.  Unfortunately, there are those rare occasions when even I break down and realize that I can’t be strong for everyone all the time.  I hate those times.  I hate feeling weak and vulnerable and having doubts that I can do everything I have committed to.  I’m not a complainer so when things start to get rough, I just keep them in and deal with them.  I know there are plenty of other people out there with much harder circumstances than me so I don’t feel that I have the right to complain.  After all, I CHOSE my circumstances.  I chose to stick by my husband, I chose to return to college…these were my choices to make so I don’t complain about the outcomes I get from them.

Luckily for me, I have a loving supportive husband and the best friends and family a girl could ask for who will always lend me their ears to vent to and/or shoulders to cry on.  They remind me that it’s okay to take my game face off every now and then and just do for myself for a while.  It’s amazing how recharged you feel after a nice long talk with a good friend or after stealing some of your time back from everyone & everything that takes it from you.  It’s like being in a torrential rainstorm with clouds as black as night and then all of a sudden, the sun breaks through and the rain goes away J

So, I leave you with this thought for the day: You can please everyone sometimes and someone every time, but you can’t please everyone all the time.  Embrace the imperfections and disappointments that come your way and learn from them.  Make the choice to LIVE your life regardless of the circumstances you are handed and don’t forget to keep some of your precious time for yourself every now and then!

It's OK to be Selfish...Sometimes

Have you ever been so drained (physically, mentally, emotionally, maybe all 3…) that you felt like you were on auto pilot?  I have…last occurrence was about 2 weeks ago!  Now, before I elaborate on the real topic of this post, let me just explain a little about my life at the moment.  I am a full-time mom (currently single but only for about 7 more months), full-time student, and close enough to full-time employee.  Any one of those things alone is enough to wear you down, combine them all together and you’re bound to have a meltdown or two.

So, last month, we were in the middle of the performance run for the musical at the college which means that for 2 weeks straight, I woke up at 6:30 am, got myself and the 4 year old ready, took him to pre-school and me to work by 8:45, went to school at 11, back to work at 1:30, back to school again at 5:30, down to the pit (area under the stage where the musicians sit) at 6:30, played the show starting at 7:30, left school between 10:30 & 11:00, picked up the 4 year old from the babysitter’s, got home between 11:00 & 11:30, did homework till 1:30 am or so and finally got to sleep.  I’m pretty sure I lost track of what day it was at some point due to the 4 year old getting sick and puking all night one night so 2 of those days blended into one really loooooong day. 

Anyway, by the time the last few nights of the show rolled around I was so drained that I was definitely on auto pilot.  You know you are exhausted when you walk by one of your professors and the first words out of their mouth are “wow, you look tired!”  Tired doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt like that day.  If I were my cell phone, I would have had that flashing red battery light going off like crazy saying “warning, 1% battery remaining” J 

I sat down and had a relaxing conversation with a great friend and began to feel my batteries recharge (slowly).  In the midst of that conversation I realized that I had been (and still am) devoting ALL of my time and energy to everyone else and none to myself.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can only go so long without some “me” time before I just start to shut down.  I was at that shut down point.  So, I did, only for a few minutes though.  Like a computer, I shut down for a minute, rebooted, and felt better!  I was still really tired but mentally I felt refreshed.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because as parents, students, employees, spouses, etc. we are constantly required to give as much of ourselves as possible to someone else and rarely have time to realize that we haven’t given anything to ourselves.  We can only do that for so long before the quality of what we give to others goes down.  So, my solution: BE SELFISH!  Not all the time of course, but make time for yourself to recharge your batteries and reboot your system.  Whether it’s a jog around the block, date night with friends, a drive by yourself in the car, do it.  Steal back some of your precious time and energy from everyone else and keep it.  You will be so glad that you did and everyone around you will notice.  My challenge to you for today: PLAN 30 MINUTES THIS WEEK THAT YOU WILL DEVOTE TO YOURSELF.  Feel free to post a comment with what you do to recharge yourself and go ahead, be a little selfish, you deserve it!

Enablers and the Addicts Who Make Them

This is a bit of a difficult post for me to write.  It hits very close to home for me as I am a recovering enabler.  You may be scratching your head wondering what in the world I’m talking about so let me explain.  An enabler is someone who “enables” addictive behavior in another person.  That is a very broad definition but should give you an idea of where I am going with this.

No one ever plans on becoming an enabler.  I know that certainly wasn’t my childhood dream.  But, life intervened (as it often does) and there I was, an enabler.  Before I go much farther, I will warn you that this post will be very long but if you stick with me to the end, you will hopefully have a little better idea of the effects that addiction (to anything) has on all of us.

My husband of almost 10 years is a recovering drug addict.  He has been in recovery for nearly 5 years now after 18 years of drug use.  Unlike some addicts who choose to get help for their addiction, he was forced into recovery (in other words, he was arrested and sent to the county lock-up to detox).  At the time, that was the second best day of my life (after our wedding day).  Why??  Because for the first time in 2 years, I knew where he was, that he was safe, and most importantly, that things were finally going to change.  I slept better that night (February 16, 2007) than I had in a couple years.  It was like a giant weight had been instantly lifted off of my shoulders…

So how did my addict make me an enabler?  It’s quite simple actually but if you have never had to go through it you may not understand what it’s really like.  When he was on a “high” he was amazing.  He was fun to be around, happy (although it was an artificial happy), and active.  We could go out and do things and be a “normal” married couple…as long as he had a supply to last him.  But, when the supply ran out…enter enabler (A.K.A. Me).  

He would tell me that he was going to try to quit and beat his addiction and I would always support him.  “Coming down” from the high wasn’t too bad usually.  It would take a day or two without any drugs in his system before I noticed any change in him.  But, when the change came, it was night and day difference.  He would get very depressed, edgy, extremely irritable, and so tired he could sleep days away.  I would let him sleep as much as possible but it wasn’t easy.  I needed his attention too and this is how I became an enabler.  I could usually last 4 or 5 days without talking to him (because he would be sleeping the whole time) before I just couldn’t handle it anymore.  When he would finally wake up, he would see how I had been affected by not seeing him and he would ask me for money to go get a fresh supply.  I would almost always give it to him because at that point, a “high” husband was better than none at all. 

  

I had known about his problem for some time prior to his arrest in 2007.  He had been let go from his job in 2005 and without any solid prospects for employment, his addiction became his focus.  At that point, he had 2 loves in his life—his drug & me—sadly, in that order.  He would take off for days at a time and I wouldn’t hear a word from him.  He wouldn’t answer his phone, usually it was turned off.  Then after 2 or 3 days, he would call…normally around 3am to let me know he was still alive.  I didn’t care that it was the middle of the night when he called.  Often I was awake anyway wondering if the next phone call I was going to get would be from the cops telling me my husband was found dead somewhere. 

I don’t think there were too many nights over that 2 year period that I actually got a good night’s sleep.  That, along with the addiction itself, really started to take a toll on me.  I don’t really remember a lot about that period except that I numbed myself to the world to help me deal with it.  I would work as much as possible, usually 9 or so hours a day 5 days a week, to help keep me distracted and then I would go for a drive or just go home and watch TV alone in an attempt to escape the real world.  It worked most of the time too, after all, I survived!  I remember that I would always enjoy the times when he was high because we actually spent time together and I think my mind just blocked out the times when he was coming down and sleeping the days away so I don’t really remember much about those times.  Unfortunately, neither does he--the good or the bad times.

You are probably asking yourself why I even put up with this for so long and why I didn’t just walk away.  My answer is this: if someone you love (spouse, parent, child, sibling, etc…) has a problem and you have even a glimmer of hope that you can help them, you don’t walk away.  You do everything in your power to help them.  That is, until you realize that you can’t help them until they are ready to help themselves.  In my case, I was either too stubborn or too stupid (maybe both) to let that damn drug ruin my marriage.  I was not about to be beaten by some artificial substance.  Bottom line, you can’t help who you love, regardless of the baggage they may carry into your relationship and walking away may seem easy in theory but in reality, it’s anything but.

When put in that position, you do whatever you can to maintain any sort of normalcy you possibly can.  I promise you, it doesn’t matter how many times you say it’s going to be the last time you enable, it isn’t.  It’s a vicious cycle that continues on and on and is nearly impossible to get out of.  If you’ve never had to go through something like this, you don’t know how you would react so before you go on thinking that you would NEVER give money to a drug addict or that you would not allow a loved one with an addiction near you or your home, think again.  You would be amazed at the power your love for someone has over your decision making ability in that kind of a situation.

It got to the point that I knew there were only 2 ways the story was going to end: jail or dead.  I am so very glad that it was the former and not the latter.  2 weeks before his arrest, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child.  I told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of life and if he really wanted his problem to be a part of our child’s life.  Prior to this, it was “easy” (I use that term VERY loosely) to stick around and hope that things would change.  There wasn’t anyone else involved and my decision to stay affected only me.  But, add a baby to picture and that changed.  There was no way in hell I was going to have that around my baby.  I have never smoked or done any drugs and I only drink alcohol on rare occasions so I wasn’t about to subject my child to a life around drugs right out of the chute.  Of course I didn’t want to leave my husband but I knew in my heart that if things didn’t change by the time the baby came, I would have no choice. 

Anyway, back to the point…being an enabler is an addiction in and of itself.  As an enabler, you become addicted to the addict.  Their addiction grabs you and sucks you in and you can’t escape.  As I said before, if you haven’t been in a situation like this, you really don’t know how you would handle it so I urge you, if you know someone that has a loved one who is an addict (to anything), talk to them.  Ask them if there is anything you can do to help them (not the addict) deal with it.  Don’t judge them for sticking by their loved one, we all have our reasons why we stand by our loved ones…for better AND worse right?? 

Please leave a comment or ask any questions you may have about this.  Addicts and their enablers are regular everyday people.  Addiction doesn't discriminate between race, gender, age, ethnicity, religion, social status, or anything else.  It will grab whoever it can and it won't let go.  Addiction is a sickness that we all know so little about but if we can all just have a little bit better understanding about what it’s like to be on the spectator’s end of an addiction, we may just be able to help those closest to us who are struggling with it.