I Contact

I fancy myself a bit of a people watcher.  It is fun and enlightening to just sit back and observe the peculiarities of human behavior.  If only I could have been around 50 years ago to do the same thing and see how our behavior and interactions have changed over the last half century...I am sure there is a drastic difference.  I bet that back then, people were more secure with themselves and their various relationships and probably didn’t get as uptight or even jealous as people do today over someone looking at or hugging their partner.

According to virtually every scientist on the planet, humans are social creatures.  From the time we are born we require close interaction with others for our survival.  As children we learn how to interact productively with each other and then…we grow up.  Strangely, somewhere between childhood and grown-uphood it seems that our perception of “acceptable” interaction changes.  We go from freely showing our love for each other to acting like touching another human will cause total and immediate self-destruction.  As a parent I always welcome a hug from my child and I will hold him and hug him as long as he will let me.  So why should it be any different for adults?  Why is it “wrong” to give a loving hug to a good friend (male or female) or a comforting touch to a friend in need?  Why is our society so afraid to make “I” contact (and eye contact)?  In many European & Asian cultures, a kiss on the cheek (or both cheeks) is a common greeting…In America we barely even shake hands anymore. 

I think one of the reasons for this fear of interpersonal connection is insecurity.  We are constantly bombarded with images of the “perfect” body, wife, husband, relationship, blah blah blah…which we then compare ourselves to.  It seems like every other day we hear about some rich & famous someone or other who has been cheating on his wife for 10 years or some other celebrity act of stupidity that really has no effect on the rest of the breathing (or non-breathing) world but it is so common these days that we start to second guess our own various relationships.  The media always makes such a big deal out of things like this that it becomes ingrained into us and we become brainwashed into thinking that any little touch or look means so much more than it really does.  Here’s a thought, just take it face value and feel good that you have a friend that cares enough about you to give you a hug or hold your hand when you are having a rough time.

Jealousy is another reason for our lack of social connection.  Men and women both suffer from it…picture it: you’re standing at a cocktail party with your husband/wife/partner/significant other (whatever you call them) and someone comes over and hugs them…how do you feel?  Often, people immediately decide that the “someone” who hugged their partner is trying to steal them away or wants to go jump in the sac with them.  When did we start thinking like this?  WHY did we start thinking like this? 

Here’s a reality check: Guys—women like to be hugged and held by the people they are close to, be it a great friend, lover, whatever.  If you have a good relationship and you are secure in your relationship with your girlfriend/partner/wife/whatever, don’t worry about it if another man gives her a tight hug or a kiss on the cheek.  Men (in general) make us feel safe and sometimes we require the strength and safety that comes in a hug from a male.  Ladies—women like to be hugged…if you have a good relationship and you are secure in it, don’t worry about it if your boyfriend/husband/partner/whatever hugs another woman.  Bottom line, you know who your significant other is coming home to so just let it be what it is and be happy that you and your partner have friends that are comfortable showing you how they feel.

My whole point here is that we humans have forgotten how to be socially connected on a deeper more loving level.  We assume that the ones we care about know that we care about them and that we don’t need to show & tell them that we care about them.  We assume that something as simple as a tight hug means that there is something hinky going on between 2 people.  That is very sad.  If you care about someone at all you should jump at the chance to show AND tell them how you feel.  Don’t be afraid to tell a good friend how much they mean to you or to tell your significant other that they mean the world to you and how they make you feel.  You will see that your relationship will immediately be strengthened!  I find it very sad that, at least in American culture, we don’t tell our loved ones and friends how we really feel about them anymore.

Look at non-human primates (no I’m not transitioning into some Darwinian evolution rant here, just in case you are wondering)—they are truly social creatures.  So are whales and dolphins.  If only they could observe human behavior and tell us what they think…they would probably make fun of us for thinking that WE are social creatures…anyway, I’m getting off the subject here…

If you really want to make a difference in the world or even just in your own relationships, tell everyone that you interact with regularly how you feel about them.  If you think they are brilliant, tell them.  If you think they are beautiful or have the best hair you have ever seen, tell them.  They will feel like a million bucks and you will feel good for making them feel good.  Don’t be afraid to say hello and/or goodbye to a friend with a hug.  It’s okay to show love to those that you care about and it doesn’t mean that you are going to run off and jump in the sac with them.  It simply means that they are important to you and you care about them.  If you want to make a difference in your life tell your friends & family what they mean to you…Better yet, SHOW them and don’t be afraid to make “I” contact.  Happy socializing!

Here’s your life, would you like paper or plastic??

Have you ever noticed that life seems so scripted these days?  It’s like you wait in line to be handed a life that someone else thinks you should have.  They bag it up, give you instructions on how to use it and send you on your way.  Think about it, when we are 4 or 5 years old we start school.  For the next 12 or so years, we are groomed and taught according to a system that may or may not be severely flawed at this point and after that, we find a job working for someone else.  We are taught to believe that that is simply what you do with yourself when you graduate high school (quite often while you are still in high school).  You run your life according to someone else’s rules & schedule.  You go to work, punch a time clock, sacrifice an ungodly amount of your time to someone who may or may not appreciate you, punch the time clock again (with your fist if you’re lucky) and then go home just to get up and do it again the next day.  Sounds more like indentured servitude to me… 

Even your lifestyle is determined by someone else.  If you work for someone that pays you $25.00 per hour and works you 60 hours per week you may end up with lots of money but you would have no time to have a life…on the other hand, if you work for someone who pays you $8.00 per hour but only works you 20 hours per week, you would have all kinds of time to have a life but absolutely no money.  The hard reality is you don’t get to have both…in real life you get to have one or the other: money or time.  The car you drive, house/neighborhood you live in, school your kids attend, clothes you wear, etc are all determined by someone else.  We are like robots with pre-programmed choices that we have little to no control over. 

Personally, I think life should be more like a buffet—choose as much as you want of as much as you want and if you really like something, go back for more!  Lately (as in the past year or so), I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I really want to do with my life.  After all, I’m 28 so I should probably start figuring that out.  A very close friend/teacher/mentor of mine has always said “chase your dream” to me and all of the other students in our department at school (for those of you that don’t know, I am in college working on my Bachelor degree).  That phrase has stuck with me.  I have realized that life doesn’t have to be a series of canned presentations and scripts but rather a journey full of choices, risks, failures & successes, heartbreaks, sorrows, rewards, and ultimately, happiness.  The only way to fully experience that journey is to chase your own dream(s). 

So let me pose a question to you all: What is your dream and are you doing what it takes to attain it?  Once more, WHAT IS YOUR DREAM AND ARE YOU DOING WHAT IT TAKES TO ATTAIN IT?  If you don’t write it down and/or say it out loud, you will never really know what it is and neither will anyone else.  I have realized that once I put it out in the world what my dream is, people all around me were excited and ready to help me achieve it. So here it is (again)…

I am a musician…I eat, sleep, and breathe music.  It’s my love, my passion, and my life.  Of course I’m also a mom, wife, and daughter, but music is what makes me tick.  My dream is to teach other musicians how to fine tune their craft and help them reach their dreams as well.  I want to perform (and get paid for it), teach (and get paid for it), and write/arrange music (and get paid for it)!!  That is my dream…I want to get paid to play…music!  What could possibly be better than making a living doing what you love to do, when you want to do it, because you want to do it?  Then you do get to have time AND money!  Someone else is still writing your paychecks but you’re working & living according to your own terms and that, I think, is what it’s really all about.  That’s what true freedom is and that is my dream.

Sometimes, chasing our dreams can seem all but impossible.  Life itself gets in the way and derails even the best made plans.  My suggestion: have a plan but keep it flexible.  Know that life will interrupt you along the way and will sometimes force you to put your dreams on hold for a bit, but always make sure you come back to them as soon as you get LIFE mopped up and out of your way.  99% of the time we are our own worst enemies because we will have one little (like nanogram little) setback and we throw in the towel because it’s too “hard” to keep going.  And then we fall back into our canned life because it’s comfortable and “easy.” Really??  Spinning your wheels in static motion is easy?  Sounds tiring (pun intended) to me.  If you’re not moving forward in your journey, you need to make a change.  Get some traction under those wheels and get moving. 

I think that is a big part of the problems our country (and world) face right now.  We all get complacent in what we are doing and when one tiny little thing goes wrong, we use it as an excuse to just do nothing.  100 years ago, if you thought like that, you didn’t survive.  Do you think a farmer in 1911 whose crops were wiped out by floods just threw in the towel and said “oh well, I guess I’ll just sit here and starve to death with my family because I suck at being a farmer”?  NO…they dug in their heels and found a way to make the best of what they had.  They figured out how to make the best of a bad set of circumstances.  They changed their thinking and then used whatever they had to make it work because they HAD to.  They couldn’t just go down the street to the grocery store and buy what they needed for the week...

How do I know this you ask?  Because, if people over the centuries had just thrown in the towel when LIFE got in their way, I would not be here right now typing this ridiculously long blog post on my widescreen laptop computer and you would not be there reading it on yours.   Progress happens when we decide not to throw in the towel but just to get it wet and clean up the messes that life puts in our way. 

That is all for tonight.  I invite you to post a comment and tell the world what YOUR dream is and then don’t be afraid to go after it.  It’s never too late to change your life and become what you always wanted to be.  To sound a little cliché, “where there’s a will, there’s a way”…words to live by!

You're in college, really??

I am old...at least compared to 90% of the student population at my college I am old.  Now, I don't think 28 is by any means old but when I see how young incoming freshman are these days, I certainly feel that way.  You know what though, I'm good with that.  I think something crazy happened in the 10 years between my generation and the next.  I swear 18 year olds act like they are still in middle school.  Most of them have no clue what responsibility is and probably are just in college because their parents are paying for it and they don't have to have a job so they just screw around all the time.

Now, Before I get too carried away here, I must point out that not all young college students are this way.  I know many young co-eds that are fantastic students and really do put every last milligram of energy and effort they have into their education, my hat's off to them.

Back to the "other" one's...Maybe it's just that I am a bit older and that I have a truckload more responsibility than most of them so I know how to make the best of my time but it seems like so many college students think that they are on some joyride and the rules of real life don't apply to them.  One of my biggest peeves is students consistently showing up late for class.  Seriously, class starts at noon and gets over at 12:50, if you're going to wait until 12:40 to show, just stay home!  If you showed up for your job 40 minutes late, do you think you would still be employed??  Probably not, unless you had some major emergency that caused you to be late.

Last time I checked, you get to set your own schedule in college.  So, if you know that you are not a morning person, don't take classes that start at 8am or 9am...you won't make it!!  But if you do have to take classes that start before the sun comes up, suck it up and show up.  You are only wasting your own time, money, and opportunity if you don't.  Besides, if this "old", overworked, currently-single mom can show up ten minutes early to class, fully prepared and ready to go, you should have NO problems making it...for hell's sakes you live on campus!!  You don't even have to comb your hair, just make sure you're dressed and stumble to class for cryin' out loud!

Another HUGE peeve of mine is when a student comes up with some totally lame excuse about why they don't have their homework ready when we have had 3+ weeks to work on it and have it done.  I am probably the queen of procrastinators but I always have my work ready to turn in when it's due.  Here is the top 3 most annoying reasons I have heard (recently) for someone not having their project/assignment ready:

1-I don't have a printer...duh, it's a college campus, ever heard of the computer lab, you should check it out!  Besides, there's an Office Depot, 2 Staples' stores, and a fedex/kinkos in this town...
2- In one breath a student says: "I just haven't had any time to work on my paper" and in the next he says, "can you believe I actually stayed up for 24 hours straight playing the new world of warcraft (or some other game)...no wonder you didn't have time for something productive...
3-Oh, I had a family thing come up...really???  Your family thing lasted for the last 3 weeks?  Didn't I see you out in the hallway just 10 minutes ago?  Wait, I thought that was your excuse for not even showing up to class last week, you know this is a once per week class right??

Believe it or not, these are actual reasons that I have heard with my own ears and actual responses that I had to bite my tongue to keep from spewing out at these people.  I have heard more but these are the lamest of the lame.  Perhaps it is just my all out lack of patience/tolerance for irresponsibility that causes me to get so annoyed with these people but I am pretty sure it's justified.  I am still waiting for someone to use the old "my dog ate my homework" excuse...I have a cat that has chewed on my textbooks before but never (yet) has the dog eaten my homework...mainly because I give her a doggie biscuit and I keep my homework in a safe place.  But I digress...

I think what bugs me even more are the people who say they want to do great things like get their doctoral degree or become a professional something or other but their actions tell a different story.  Bottom line people, if you want a fancy degree or a professional whatever, you have to do what it takes to get it.  Read that again, YOU have to DO what it takes to get it (like be on time and be prepared).  It isn't going to just miraculously fall into your lap [although if anyone deserves for that to happen, it's me ;)]  Look, I know that life happens and sometimes you have to be late or miss a class but when it's a consistent thing, you probably need to have a good long pep talk with yourself and figure out really what you are trying to accomplish here.  College is expensive, don't waste the money of whoever is paying for it by dinking around and just getting by.  Be committed, be teachable, be flexible, be coachable, be present...these are the things that will take you far in college and in life in general.

I learned from one of my mentors/professors that there are 3 types of players in the world: those that are not playing, those that play not to lose, and those that play to win (I think that's how it goes)...in my opinion, if you aren't playing to win, you shouldn't be in the game!!  Come on people, you're in college now, pull your heads out and play to win...if you don't, someone else will and you may never get the opportunity to do the things you say you want to do!

Entitled to what??

For my inaugural blog post, I figured I might as well get the blood boiling for some of you.  The following column was written by a good friend/teacher of mine, Greg Johnston, regarding entitlements.  He teaches high school and sees first hand how we are raising a generation of young adults that think they are entitled to everything.  Whether or not you agree with any of the article is up to you but it should at least get you thinking...enjoy!

"Erroneously, Social Security, is often referred to as an entitlement. Social Security was sold as a mandatory retirement investment program under the New Deal and would still be a good plan if the federal government had not borrowed all the reserve fund back in the ’60s.

These entitlement programs, along with interest payments on the national debt (which is all we pay), make up most of the government’s yearly bills.

Let’s take a minute to define entitlement. It doesn’t matter what Webster’s Dictionary or some political theorist says. What matters is how those who receive entitlements define the word.

On one hand, an entitlement can mean help given at the right time to our neighbors, allowing them to survive a tough time that may be outside their control. Others define an entitlement as something you are supposed to get, from someone or something else, as your right. It is not dependent on your status, efforts or contributions. This is how the courts have come to define an entitlement — it is a civil right.

Though many recipients of these programs have industriously and continuously contributed when able, others have yet to make any contribution to the system from which they receive.

Herein lies the problem with all government-instituted programs — the inability to distinguish between those who deserve and those who do not.

The most expensive program state governments run is education. A good education system, in my mind, is akin to national defense. Educated and hard-working citizens guarantee U.S. economic and intellectual competitiveness. This is a necessary expense and this definition allows me to continue to define myself as a true limited government advocate.

Many others see education as an entitlement, with babysitting and meals provided.

Okay, let us say education is a right given to all, whether citizens or not, instead of a privilege, to be earned by hard work.

Does this attitude create future citizens who feel they are entitled to many other things, regardless of their own efforts or contributions to the system?

I don’t know the answer. On one hand, I have worked with students who, given repeated chances to turn in late work, given multiple opportunities to get it right, will work, mature and eventually succeed. They later have become what Andrew Jackson called “producers” in our society. I stand in awe of what these kids have overcome to become.

But at the same time, I have had many students who simply take advantage of us “suckers” who are foolish enough to give them a pass time and again; the school and teachers are simply things they use to take from, but never give back. I have taught a few “third-year freshmen,” students who have hung around, using the school transportation to subsidize their social life, creating discipline problems in the classroom, and spending as much time not doing work as they can.

Unfortunately, the proficiency tests the CCSD puts so much stock in cannot distinguish between these two types of students. We are obligated to accommodate both. If you remove the folks taking advantage of the system, then the “No Child Left Behind” police threaten you with all sorts of penalties, and your boss’s boss’s panic-driven boss says you are not doing a good job, starts threatening your livelihood, followed by the icing on the cake with the Review Journal writing editorials about how bad your teachers are.

Expectations from the politician-educators who run the CCSD and simplistic editorials aside, my bigger concern is that of entitlement. Are we, by giving multiple opportunities, spending obscene amounts of money on retakes and special accommodations? Are we creating an entire generation of future citizens who will expect a nation that not only tolerates a lack of work ethic and failure, but actually demand we continue to support them, just like we did while they were in school?

I believe wholeheartedly that folks who are willing to work need everything we can give them. My colleagues continually encourage our students and we all spend countless extra hours helping those who need and respond to help.

Personally, I will work extra with anyone who is trying to succeed. But do we all have to support those who don’t wish to work? In spite of all of the political rhetoric, are there children who choose to be left behind and parents who don’t care if their children are left behind? And will we all suffer in the future for subsidizing failure?"

Greg Johnston teaches at Virgin Valley High School.