This is a bit of a difficult post for me to write. It hits very close to home for me as I am a recovering enabler. You may be scratching your head wondering what in the world I’m talking about so let me explain. An enabler is someone who “enables” addictive behavior in another person. That is a very broad definition but should give you an idea of where I am going with this.
No one ever plans on becoming an enabler. I know that certainly wasn’t my childhood dream. But, life intervened (as it often does) and there I was, an enabler. Before I go much farther, I will warn you that this post will be very long but if you stick with me to the end, you will hopefully have a little better idea of the effects that addiction (to anything) has on all of us.
My husband of almost 10 years is a recovering drug addict. He has been in recovery for nearly 5 years now after 18 years of drug use. Unlike some addicts who choose to get help for their addiction, he was forced into recovery (in other words, he was arrested and sent to the county lock-up to detox). At the time, that was the second best day of my life (after our wedding day). Why?? Because for the first time in 2 years, I knew where he was, that he was safe, and most importantly, that things were finally going to change. I slept better that night (February 16, 2007) than I had in a couple years. It was like a giant weight had been instantly lifted off of my shoulders…
So how did my addict make me an enabler? It’s quite simple actually but if you have never had to go through it you may not understand what it’s really like. When he was on a “high” he was amazing. He was fun to be around, happy (although it was an artificial happy), and active. We could go out and do things and be a “normal” married couple…as long as he had a supply to last him. But, when the supply ran out…enter enabler (A.K.A. Me).
He would tell me that he was going to try to quit and beat his addiction and I would always support him. “Coming down” from the high wasn’t too bad usually. It would take a day or two without any drugs in his system before I noticed any change in him. But, when the change came, it was night and day difference. He would get very depressed, edgy, extremely irritable, and so tired he could sleep days away. I would let him sleep as much as possible but it wasn’t easy. I needed his attention too and this is how I became an enabler. I could usually last 4 or 5 days without talking to him (because he would be sleeping the whole time) before I just couldn’t handle it anymore. When he would finally wake up, he would see how I had been affected by not seeing him and he would ask me for money to go get a fresh supply. I would almost always give it to him because at that point, a “high” husband was better than none at all.
I had known about his problem for some time prior to his arrest in 2007. He had been let go from his job in 2005 and without any solid prospects for employment, his addiction became his focus. At that point, he had 2 loves in his life—his drug & me—sadly, in that order. He would take off for days at a time and I wouldn’t hear a word from him. He wouldn’t answer his phone, usually it was turned off. Then after 2 or 3 days, he would call…normally around 3am to let me know he was still alive. I didn’t care that it was the middle of the night when he called. Often I was awake anyway wondering if the next phone call I was going to get would be from the cops telling me my husband was found dead somewhere.
I don’t think there were too many nights over that 2 year period that I actually got a good night’s sleep. That, along with the addiction itself, really started to take a toll on me. I don’t really remember a lot about that period except that I numbed myself to the world to help me deal with it. I would work as much as possible, usually 9 or so hours a day 5 days a week, to help keep me distracted and then I would go for a drive or just go home and watch TV alone in an attempt to escape the real world. It worked most of the time too, after all, I survived! I remember that I would always enjoy the times when he was high because we actually spent time together and I think my mind just blocked out the times when he was coming down and sleeping the days away so I don’t really remember much about those times. Unfortunately, neither does he--the good or the bad times.
You are probably asking yourself why I even put up with this for so long and why I didn’t just walk away. My answer is this: if someone you love (spouse, parent, child, sibling, etc…) has a problem and you have even a glimmer of hope that you can help them, you don’t walk away. You do everything in your power to help them. That is, until you realize that you can’t help them until they are ready to help themselves. In my case, I was either too stubborn or too stupid (maybe both) to let that damn drug ruin my marriage. I was not about to be beaten by some artificial substance. Bottom line, you can’t help who you love, regardless of the baggage they may carry into your relationship and walking away may seem easy in theory but in reality, it’s anything but.
When put in that position, you do whatever you can to maintain any sort of normalcy you possibly can. I promise you, it doesn’t matter how many times you say it’s going to be the last time you enable, it isn’t. It’s a vicious cycle that continues on and on and is nearly impossible to get out of. If you’ve never had to go through something like this, you don’t know how you would react so before you go on thinking that you would NEVER give money to a drug addict or that you would not allow a loved one with an addiction near you or your home, think again. You would be amazed at the power your love for someone has over your decision making ability in that kind of a situation.
It got to the point that I knew there were only 2 ways the story was going to end: jail or dead. I am so very glad that it was the former and not the latter. 2 weeks before his arrest, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. I told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of life and if he really wanted his problem to be a part of our child’s life. Prior to this, it was “easy” (I use that term VERY loosely) to stick around and hope that things would change. There wasn’t anyone else involved and my decision to stay affected only me. But, add a baby to picture and that changed. There was no way in hell I was going to have that around my baby. I have never smoked or done any drugs and I only drink alcohol on rare occasions so I wasn’t about to subject my child to a life around drugs right out of the chute. Of course I didn’t want to leave my husband but I knew in my heart that if things didn’t change by the time the baby came, I would have no choice.
Anyway, back to the point…being an enabler is an addiction in and of itself. As an enabler, you become addicted to the addict. Their addiction grabs you and sucks you in and you can’t escape. As I said before, if you haven’t been in a situation like this, you really don’t know how you would handle it so I urge you, if you know someone that has a loved one who is an addict (to anything), talk to them. Ask them if there is anything you can do to help them (not the addict) deal with it. Don’t judge them for sticking by their loved one, we all have our reasons why we stand by our loved ones…for better AND worse right??
Please leave a comment or ask any questions you may have about this. Addicts and their enablers are regular everyday people. Addiction doesn't discriminate between race, gender, age, ethnicity, religion, social status, or anything else. It will grab whoever it can and it won't let go. Addiction is a sickness that we all know so little about but if we can all just have a little bit better understanding about what it’s like to be on the spectator’s end of an addiction, we may just be able to help those closest to us who are struggling with it.
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